mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
