Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
