He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
