I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
