They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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