No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
