you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
