Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
