I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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