Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
