atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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