You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
