Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
