I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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