I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
