Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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