Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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