mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
