Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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