somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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