5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
