If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
