no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
