All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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