I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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