he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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