Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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