ya dads aren't the best wingmen
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
