doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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