I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
