i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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