Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
