his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
