On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
