I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
