Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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