my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
