my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
