I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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