meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
