apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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