Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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