U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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