six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
