I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
