ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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