textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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