I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
