So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
