i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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