had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
