Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just pee around me
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
