I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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