On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
