I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
