I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
