I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
