Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
