Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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