She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
