8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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